A Happy Life?
by DeanHeartsCas
Summary: Castiel reflects on his love for Dean and how the hunter has changed him. I've based the falling fram Grace part on the Supernatural lore, I'm not saying this happens for certain. Implied Dean/Castiel. I wasn't sure about the rating so I just put it as T


**A Happy Life?**

Castiel slowly opened his eyes and sighed heavily. As he stretched his body he heard the tendons creaking. The covers were heavy and he pushed them down, pooling them around his waist. Another sigh, this one soft and pleasurable as the cool air stroked his bare skin. He rested his hands behind his head and glanced over at his sleeping lover, smiling at the features he had come to love and know so well. Of course, he hadn't been asleep, angels didn't need it. He had slipped into a meditative state, allowing his mind and body to relax so completely it was almost like sleep. It was the closest the angels came to it. Whenever Dean rested, Castiel would rest with him, unless he was feeling too paranoid or agitated. In which case he would stay awake and alert, holding Dean tightly.

He'd been feeling paranoid a lot lately, what with Lucifer still trying to convince Sam to say yes. His thoughts had been circling different ways to protect Sam and Dean, not wanting either of them to come to any harm. Mainly Dean if he was being honest, he'd do anything and everything if it meant that Dean would survive and live a happy life. He knew that Dean dreamed of it. A happy life, a happy home, a happy family and he wanted to give it to Dean so badly. He just didn't know how to accomplish this possibly impossible dream.

It seemed selfish to choose to protect Dean but he couldn't help it. The hunter had completely and utterly captured his heart. Dean was taking over him, his thoughts and emotions, everything came back to Dean. Whenever he was away from him he felt lonely and cold, an aching need pulsed through his mind till he was back in his presence. Dean filled him with a warmth and love that only his Lord had ever come close to matching. Their passion and lust for each other was evident for everyone to see. He knew that and accepted it. Their lovemaking was always intense and loving in ways Castiel had never imagined. Dean had shown him things that brought his pleasure to another level. In the past, when he had come down to Earth, he had taken an interest in the humans but none of them had come close to Dean. He, Castiel, had dragged him from Hell and at first ordered to serve him and then left to protect and love him.

He thought back to his time on Earth before Dean. Various orders from God and other angels had brought him down here. He'd studied humans considerably and saw how complicated they were. Each one entirely different to the other. No one alike, no two the same. Their individuality made them a beautiful species whilst their potential for evil darkened their image. He had seen the potential for evil each human held, all the wars, murders and vile acts that all of them were capable of. It depressed him to think this way, having seen so much, he could never help it. Whenever he started feeling this way he thought of the love he'd seen throughout the ages. Love was the strongest emotion any human could feel and he knew they were ruled by their emotions. They ran deeper than even they knew. Each decision they made was based on them, each life changing moment overflowing with it and love was the most powerful, most breathtaking emotion he had ever come across.

He'd watched carefully, at first with slight confusion and wonder, and studied how love changed a man or woman. It brightened their lives, made them happier and stronger. They would fight to the death if this love was strong enough. After years of studying he'd grown accustomed to it and then, in the last few years he had started to crave it. _No_, he corrected himself; _it wasn't in the last few years. It's been more than a century since I've felt like this. Craving, needing, wanting to love another like the humans love each other. Something so fierce and strong it cannot be denied. Dean makes me feel like this and I'm certain he feels the same way about me. He's changed me, changed my heart for the better and I welcome this change. _

Castiel's mind turned to when he realised that Dean had changed his heart, it wasn't so much a defining moment but more of a feeling inside of him that had been growing for awhile. He'd been cold with the world, watched as the mortals came and went, living their brief lives and leaving behind a small imprint of themselves that was soon forgotten. True he'd seen the love they held for each other and recognised its power but after accepting he'd never have it, he turned his back and tried to ignore his own cravings. He'd succeeded until he had begun to weaken in the last century, until Castiel could no longer ignore what he felt, what he wanted. He didn't think he'd find it, who could love a lonely angel? Nobody had, until Dean. At first Castiel had been scared, even though he wanted it he'd been hesitant. He had seen the dark side of love and how it broke the human's hearts and shattered their lives but somehow Dean had broken through and touched him, gotten through to him that he would never let that happen. The hunter hadn't rested until Castiel was his and looking back, he wondered why he had been such a fool.

Castiel turned over onto his side and admired the beautiful and righteous man that lay next to him. His eyes wandered over the parts of Dean that weren't hidden underneath the covers, the muscles looking strong and lean even when he was sleeping. Watching Dean sleep was a guilty pleasure of Castiel's. He'd noticed that almost 95% of the time Dean was awake he was frowning so it was a relief to see his face so relaxed and calm, his soft features peaceful as he slept away his worries and fears. Though sometimes these fears pursued Dean in his sleep causing him to moan or cry out, his body twitching and shuddering. At these times Castiel felt his own heart beat faster, his body broke out in nervous sweat. He would wrap his arms around Dean and hold him close; giving him as much comfort as he possibly could, knowing it still wasn't enough. Dean would curl up into his arms, holding tightly to Castiel, still shuddering and muttering until finally he settled down into something that resembled peaceful sleeping.

Holding Dean in his arms Castiel felt like his protector, his guardian angel. Sworn to protect this man till death and he would. He'd die fighting for Dean, using everything he had he would crush anybody or any_thing_ that tried to harm him. It was odd being this strong yet feeling so weak around this man. Not weak in the sense that his strength had left him, weak as in the world was fragile and anything could be taken away so quickly and easily. Whenever Castiel walked into a room and saw Dean for the first time he would gasp slightly and feel his whole body shake. A wave of love and lust, both combined to make his head spin, rushed through him and he felt his legs almost give way. The walls would close in till it felt like it was only him and Dean in a tiny box, forced against each other yet the both of them loving every minute of it.

Staring at Dean, Castiel wondered, as he had done many times, how the other angels would feel if they knew about this forbidden love. Angel loving human. Man loving man. He knew that most, if not all would be disgusted by one or both of these sins but why should it bother them? It was only love, plain and simple. It had nothing to do with gender and everything to do with how he felt.

_Am I really disobeying?_ Castiel thought. Nobody had given him the order to never fall in love. God himself had asked the angels to kneel and bow before humans, love them as God loved them. _Isn't that what I'm doing?_ He was just following orders, orders God himself had commanded. Therefore there should be no fear of retribution or falling from Grace yet he couldn't stop the knot of nervousness that tightened his stomach. An angel had never fallen for a human. Nothing like this had ever happened before so he didn't know _what_ to expect. Again he thought of the other angels and their reactions. He knew that some, Hell most of them, would be furious with him but he didn't care. He couldn't help the way he felt and he wouldn't change it for anything. _The only person who can bring judgement down on me is my Father. _

Watching Dean sleep, his breathing a soft noise which was barely audible, Castiel knew that he would fall from Grace for this man. He would bear the wrath and rage of God and take the punishment if it meant he could still love Dean but then he remembered Anna and her fall. Judging from what she had said, after having her Grace ripped out she had restarted her life as a newborn child. She had lost all memory of her old life and become this human girl, with new feelings and memories. Would that happen to him? If he fell, would he start over as a child? Never to know or even remember Dean, let alone love him.

He shuddered at the thought and moved closer to Dean till he was only inches away from him, his face just starting to blur. He could feel the heat emanating from Dean's body, warming the bed and Castiel as he moved even closer and slid his arm over Dean's bare hip. As he shuffled closer still, Dean turned in his sleep, rolling over onto his back and unconsciously wrapping an arm around Castiel's shoulders who then followed Dean's movement and rested his head on Dean's chest. The soft but strong beating of Dean's heart filled his ears. His head rose and fell with his lovers every breath, a lulling rhythm which soothed him. Lying here like this Castiel could see how easy it was to forget the apocalyptic battle that was even now being fought. Locked away in this small motel room, nothing but the two of them and a bed, they were safe in their own small world. The darkness was a shroud that held them safe and secure here and gave the illusion that everything was fine. That no blood was being spilled and no innocents killed because of the man he now lay with. A surge of guilt rushed through Castiel's body, causing him to raise his head and look upon Dean's beautifully sculpted face with wide, guilty eyes.

''I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.'' He whispered his voice so low Dean didn't even stir. Castiel leant forwards and pressed a soft kiss to Dean's lips. He felt those lips automatically kiss him back, pulling away, he then lay his head back down on the warm skin. He knew that Dean hadn't meant to start the Apocalypse, of course he hadn't. If he'd known, Dean would have stayed on the rack with Alstair slicing into him till Hell froze over and Castiel understood why Dean had chosen to pick up the blade. The torture that Dean had suffered at the hands of that evil bastard was something that he didn't even want to contemplate. If he could, he would take it all from Dean, take the torture, the slicing, the carving and have Dean safe and secure. If it had been possible Castiel would have switched with Dean and taken his place on the rack. Yes it would stop the apocalypse but Castiel would have switched simply for Dean. To stop all the emotional damage that was tearing Dean apart from the inside, a place that Castiel could not heal, no matter how hard he tried. He would have switched so that Dean wasn't the broken man that he was today. This second selfish thought caused his stomach to twist with guilt.

He shook his head slightly and cleared his mind again. Matching Dean's breathing, Castiel let his own slow down and grow deeper. Right here, right now, they were safe therefore he could rest some more. He felt himself relax, his body softening and his muscles going limp. Before he closed his eyes, he glanced once more time upon Dean's face and placed a soft kiss to his cheek. Dean was his everything, his reason for living now, for breathing, for carrying on even when the world was literally going to Hell. This beautiful, righteous and loving man was his destiny and he, Castiel would strive for that happy life that he knew Dean dreamed about.


End file.
